Journal of Ruth

Okay, it's not much of a secret.:)

I don't like people worrying about me.

I usually don't like it when people advise me either, but not all the time.

I don't like people telling what to do to "improve" my spiritual.

Well, I'm usually too polite to show them I don't like what they're doing. -_-"

Which is why sometimes I wonder I should even continue blogging at my other blog. For some reason I have this damsel in distress kind of facade and people like to advice me.  On my spiritual life. Which is a sore point for me. -_-"

Sometimes I blog out my frustrations about my spiritual life, but it's more like venting. I don't want advice. So, when I get advice … I feel irritated. I feel misunderstood. I don't like it when peope assume things about my intentions, motivations and background.

You know, most of the time I appreciate it. But when some people in real life who read my blog come to me and ask me, "How are you? Is everything okay?" My first reaction is irritation.

It's all because I don't like being treated like a damsel in distress. I once told D that I feel that everyone is trying to "fix" me. Of course, being the person she was, she reacted badly and called me ungrateful. Again, it made me realise that I can never confide to people my problems because they'll always turn it against me. 

 This ALL stems from pride, of course. I'm the sort of person that believes that she can handle everything by herself, thank you very much. I read self help books, analyze myself on a regular basis so that I can keep a handle on my emotional well being. Sometimes it helps, but not always. Eventhough inside, I do want someone to hold my hand and help me, I push aside the help sometimes.

This stems from the fact that I've been burnt before by some "advisors".

They've taken what I told them in confidence and used it against me. I still remember my sister threatening to tell her boyfriend a secret I told her just so that she could win an argument. Although I've forgiven her to an extent, that have made me even more determined not to confide or rely on anyone. I also had the tendency to choose the wrong kind of friends … When I confide my problems to D and MY they'd always advise me but the end result of their advice always makes me feel inferior to them. MY lurves to tell me what to do with my spiritual life.

I  suppose that's where my aversion to people advising me about my spiritual life comes from. MY, my ex pastors and all that. I don't think I will "recover" from this. Because I have made up my mind only to choose the advice I need.

I hate unwanted advice. It's patronising. Well, to me.

I'm very aware that I react this way because of my emotional baggage, and that people are worried and advice me because they care for me. But I can't help this flash of irritation when people come to me and say, "Hey, you need to pray more." or "Hey, have you done your devotions? Perhaps that's why you're feeling like this spiritually." Which is why I also have a problem with people praying for me in public. AIyoh.

My logical brain knows this is all well-meaning advice and they just want to help.

The more emo side of me is saying: "FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE, DAMN IT!"

So there it is.

I wish I was a less complicated person sometimes.

My pastor the other day called me. It was a bad day, however. I was mega stressed and I kept having STUPID calls from TELEMARKETERS but I was so nice I didn't even scream at them. I had to deal with multiple deadlines, was looking at working until 2 freaking AM so no, I wasn't in a good mood. 

So, when he called me, I instantly jump to the conclusion that he's calling me to find out what's wrong with me after my rather 'depressing' post about me lamenting about spiritual condition.

He admitted that he's worried for me, and he'll never stop caring for me.

My reaction? I was actually geram. (frustrated)

I want people to stop treating me like fragile china when it comes to my spiritual life. LOOK, I am not where you guys are, but the problem is, I LIKE WHERE I AM NOW.

I'm a liberal-leaning Christian, and I have issues to deal with and I hate talking about them to you guys.
Agh. I'm in such a pissy mood. Sorry guys.

I'll prob be fine … if I posted this on my regular blog, so many people are going to get offended. Gee. .. I'll probably offend some readers of this blog too. -_-"

I guess I'm tired of trying to please people … I'm just the way I am … AND I HAVE TO STOP CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT MY SPIRITUAL LIFE.

Maybe that's my problem, as my pastor hinted in the conversation that day. I have to rest in the fact that what others think of me, especially my spiritual life, doesn't matter

So what if they advice you? I guess I take advice the wrong way. I frown and think they advice me because they think of me in an inferior way, or think they need to fix me.

This is all pride … with a capital P.

Sigh, the curse of a super Choleric who handles the work of three people. -_-"

I'm rambling! Oh well, I'm off now … hopefully not many people will read this rant.  

… kinda sucks sometimes.

I mean, I'm not even low-level management. I'm just a journo who happens to manage a group of writers. And you know what, some of them drive me bat shit crazy! 

So, I'm now in this unique position where even if you don't like that person you still have to bear it and suck it in and work with them. As a solo journo, which most of us are for years on and end, I had  the luxury of working on projects by myself. Now, it's team work.

So, I find myself feeling guilty about being irritated with one of my 'workers'. It's just that the person is so … perky. And kinda greedy. -_-" So the workers are given things so that they can write about them. Once, this person – let's call her X – actually grabbed the whole stack and hung on to it, not letting the other workers have a look, until I told her: "Ok, perhaps you should let the others see it now?!"

And sometimes, when the workers post on a forum we have at work that they want a particular item, she'd ask for that same item: "Can I have it?"

And I'm like. "No!" I just don't understand how some people can ask for the same item that another already asked for.

So, I decided that it's a case of personality clash. She's not a bad person, but she and I tak ngam.(not compatible)

And because I'm a "boss" and my best friend is in the team, I can't bitch about her to her. I mean, in the beggining I did until I realised how gah that was. (I am rather new to this whole managing business.)

Then there's another worker who can't write at all. Aiyoh ….. clearing his copy is like pulling teeth. Sometimes doing it literally leaves me in tears, or I'd grab the monitor and shake it. ;P

The other day I had to give him a lecture, to tell him that he'd be let go unless he improves himself. It's really hard for me to do it. I guess that's what bosses do all the time. -_-" But I find it horrible.

As a boss, it's hard to be friends with your workers because if you have to make difficult decisions like let them go, or scold them etc, it will be difficult for you. ;\
Sigh … but hey .. I still do love my work. It's nothing like it in the world. … I'll just savour it till it lasts.